lezkissgifs:

I lost my way for a long long time.

I was in a job that encouraged self destruction in the name of work.

I’d lost control of my drug use.

I was unhappy, and sad and broken.

Things have changed slightly. I’m still not whole. I’ll never be fixed because I know my brian is always going to be slightly held together with glue and false hope, but I don’t feel like I’m crumbling anymore.

I’m no longer sober and that’s okay. I haven’t used habitually since last year. Maybe one day I’ll be completely sober and ill leave it all behind but right now, every thought isn’t about using, and that’s enough.

I have a great job, good friends, and while the entire world is feeling like its going mad, I feel okay.

60st:

(via fuckyeah--fitlesbian)

There is no beauty in self-destruction.
You don’t look interesting, or deep.
You are not the ‘manic pixie dream girl’ fictional character who falls apart and destroys her life, but somehow keeps the important shit together and is a person everyone wants to be around.
You’re not fun.
You’re not happy.
You’re killing yourself.
You’re an addict.
And that shit is not how it is in television.
That shit hurts.
Losing control over an addiction is the hardest thing to come back from.

Today I’m 10 days sober. It’s the longest I’ve been clean in a long time.
I started meetings, and am finally in the active recovery I’ve been trying to reach for months.
I know there a tough times ahead of me as I try to get back to the person I was before all this, but today I’m just grateful that I made the choice to live rather than self-destruct.

bakwaaas:

when I was younger, I used to think true love was tumultuous and intense. but now, I feel like real love is gentle. passionate in a soft, sweet way. not fireworks and drama, but a love that’s like coming home, the breeze on a still summer day. a balm to the aches of the world.

(via throwing-the-fight)

I just want one day where thoughts of giving up don’t creep back into my head.

I don’t want to be this broken shell of a person anymore.

A black cloud is starting to form above me and I’m terrified of slipping away again.
I can feel it starting to happen and I just can’t deal with it. I’ve been doing okay for a while, and it’s so easy to forget how quickly everything can change.
Its like there’s a big red self destruct button infront of me and I can’t stop my hands from hitting it over and over again. I don’t want to fall back into how I was a few months ago. I can’t be that person again because I know I won’t be able to make it back to this point.
I’m gonna lose everything and its fucking terrifying me.

Things are still shit and I’m still fighting every day not to just quit.
The only thing keeping me here is the two rat babies I just rehomed.
We’re bonding and they are comfortable with me now, and knowing that if I wasn’t here, they wouldn’t get that kind of love and they might miss me is enough to keep me here for now.

I want to get through this. I want to be happy and not constantly fighting against my brain but it’s tough.
It’s so tough and I’m so so tired.